Managing Conflict - Do You Fight Fairly?
Most of us would avoid fighting if we could. After all, it’s not very comfortable and just thinking about fighting makes us cringe. However, fighting fairly and skillfully managing conflict when it does arise is the key to building stronger and more cohesive relationships.
Just as we said in a previous newsletter, “Communicating During our New Normal - Befriending Anger”, we all handle conflict differently. And the key to understanding how we react to conflict is essential to our growth. As the world around us continues to change, (and not always to our liking), we must make conscious decisions to get along. But how?
The first step is to have the courage to look inside and to decide if you fight fairly when conflict arises. Take the two-part quiz below to discover how fairly you fight.
Part 1 – True or False?
When people hurt me or make me angry, I’m likely to fight back or be defensive.
If someone brings up a subject I don’t want to discuss, I ignore him or her, or refuse to talk about it.
I tend to build up resentments over time, and then let them all out in one big blow-up.
I sometimes cut people out of my life when they don’t agree with me or give me what I want.
I’ll be taken advantage of or hurt if I show any vulnerability.
I withhold love and connection when I don’t get my way.
I try to get more support for my point of view by getting others on my side.
I have a tendency to “leak” my resentments rather than being open and direct about my feelings.
Part 2 – True or False?
I use “I” statements to express my feelings and thus avoid blaming and telling the other person what he or she feels.
I am committed to listening and being open-heartedly curious when quarreling so that I can truly understand what the other person is feeling, thinking and experiencing.
I am able to express my anger, and I hold a safe, respectful space for others to express their anger towards me.
I consciously create time and space for resolving conflicts rather than arguing when either of us is in the midst of other things.
Resolving conflicts successfully often leads to greater intimacy and authenticity.
It’s important that the other person and I each have time to share our feelings without being interrupted.
I avoid holding grudges by expressing my feelings as soon as possible—that way resentments don’t build up.
I try to find a win-win solution in any conflict; I’m willing to negotiate until both of us are satisfied.
If you answered True more often in Part 1 and False more often in Part 2, you may want to learn some communication skills to help you fight fairly and to handle conflict in a healthy manner.
To help you along, Elizabeth has posted our Brilliant Leader Program module, “Conflict Resolution” on our website, http://www.brilliantleaderprogram.com . The great news is you can watch it for FREE!
If we can recognize, and then are willing to admit that we may be guilty of hitting our opponents below the belt when our backs are against the wall, we may, just may have a chance to change.
Let’s all commit to being more respectful of each other, to fight fairly when conflicts arise, and to resolve to settle our conflicts peacefully. Who knows, we may just have a chance of making our New Normal a whole lot better.
Be Kind. Be Patient. Be BRILLIANT!
Author’s quiz content used under license, © 2009 Claire Communications